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In the years I've been transcribing this blogs' entries for Adam, this will be only the 2nd time I've added an entry. I normally want to keep it as "pure" as possible, with only his words. OK, so I spell check and correct grammar, but that's it.

But his last two entries really hit me, on a few levels. I not only identified with what he's going through personally, but I hurt so bad for him, as a mother.

No one has hurt him, no one has done anything "to" him. It's just life. Timing. Choices made. Consequences. And life goes on...for everyone but him.

After I posted his two previous entries, I heard this song for the first time while driving home. It made me cry, for him, with him, for me, for the times I've been in this position. It just seemed to fit...and I think Adam would be OK with me posting it here. And if he's not, well...as his Editor-in-Chief I'm invoking executive privilege. :)

~Mara
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Word around the water cooler is the woman I wanted to reach out to is engaged. I kind of figured...a chick that cool doesn't stay single. I know I'm supposed to say that I'm happy for her, that it's great she found someone to spend her days with...but come on, we all know what a crock of shit that really is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to the universe for setting her on a path that led to happiness, I'm just pissed at myself for pushing her off of the path we walked together.

"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." My ass. What they never tell you how to deal with is when you find that someone...and you screw it up. As a witch, I guess I could get it right in the next life, but could the Goddess give me a reset on this one? I doubt I could have screwed it up much worse if I tried. Gee, this is turning into a cheery post! :)

I guess, delusional or not, I always hoped for some kind of reconnection with this person. Beyond my feelings about her, she's funny and smart, sarcastic as all hell, and truly one of the best artists I've met. I always wanted her to design some of my tattoo pieces...it's hard to let go of that hope. But very few women want to be friends with an ex, and I can see the reality of that, but my reality sucks balls.

In reality, I won't be anything but an absentee dad to my son, I'll be apart from my family, hell...I'll probably die in prison for a crime I didn't participate in. I should be doing 5 years for my role in it, unwilling as I was, which would have been up 6 years ago. You can see why reality and me aren't on speaking terms.

I do have people who love me, and I'm blessed for that, but if I could go back I'd do a whole lot different. I guess we all would given the chance, but still, all things considered, I think I'll stick with delusional as it's probable better for my sanity! :) I do have faith in the Gods and Goddesses to deliver me through this, it's just how much of me will be left when I come through the trials of this lifetime...

I'll hold onto hope that everything will work out one way or another. Until then I guess I'll work on being happy for other peoples' happiness...
...
...
...

Nope, not yet...
...
...
...

Almost, but not quite...
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So, in the infinite cyber-universe, I found the path to someone I thought lost to me. How I found this path is an ironic tale, but that will be told another time. Maybe. Anyway, as you can guess, this is someone I care for a great deal, and as these things usually go, this person used to care for me. What to do next...

The rational thing would be to think fond thoughts, reminisce about the good times and move on, leaving no trace I was ever there. The fool thing to do would be to leave a message, ANY message, and let it be known I was there (well, sort of "there." Regular followers of this page will understand).

But none of that will do for the Delusional Romantic, oh no. I must scour song lyrics, every poem ever written, every movie line looking for THE perfect line that shows this someone how deeply I still feel for her, even after all this time. I'm thinking Shakespeare, by the way...you can't go wrong with Shakespeare. Of course the line, whatever I chose, will be completely inadequate, probably met with scorn and ridicule, if not downright hostility. To say I screwed up the relationship would be a vast understatement.

And it really was all my fault.

I let fears and people manipulate me into bad decisions, but it was my fault not to see through the manipulations. It was my fault that I let the fears of what might happen ruin the greatness that was happening. And it was greatness. So much greatness I still don't know how it happened to me in the first place. Nights so fun they explain the evolutionary purpose of talking. Needless to say...I fucked up.

And I owe her more than I can say for those times. Just the slight thought of reconnecting, delusions of grandeur or not, sparked a rush deep inside me. Just the memory of the love I hold for this someone, it can only be described as true, pure magick. It's a magick so strong the only I've felt something close was in a circle calling down the God and Goddess, touching divinity. Fellow witches will understand.

It was a wake-up call on how disconnected I've become with the spiritual, both in practice and in studies. Even after all the time apart, this someone is still influencing me for the better, to BE better.

So, I'll send the cheesy line, I'll continue the delusion of reconnecting, of dreaming of letters, of getting called for a visit and seeing those hazel-green eyes that send lightning from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

Because that's who I am: the Delusional Romantic, dreaming my delusions of grandeur, just hoping to talk with that someone, to be able to tell a woman named Christina, "Hello again."

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paganiwitch

January 2013

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