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[personal profile] paganiwitch
Word around the water cooler is the woman I wanted to reach out to is engaged. I kind of figured...a chick that cool doesn't stay single. I know I'm supposed to say that I'm happy for her, that it's great she found someone to spend her days with...but come on, we all know what a crock of shit that really is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to the universe for setting her on a path that led to happiness, I'm just pissed at myself for pushing her off of the path we walked together.

"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." My ass. What they never tell you how to deal with is when you find that someone...and you screw it up. As a witch, I guess I could get it right in the next life, but could the Goddess give me a reset on this one? I doubt I could have screwed it up much worse if I tried. Gee, this is turning into a cheery post! :)

I guess, delusional or not, I always hoped for some kind of reconnection with this person. Beyond my feelings about her, she's funny and smart, sarcastic as all hell, and truly one of the best artists I've met. I always wanted her to design some of my tattoo's hard to let go of that hope. But very few women want to be friends with an ex, and I can see the reality of that, but my reality sucks balls.

In reality, I won't be anything but an absentee dad to my son, I'll be apart from my family, hell...I'll probably die in prison for a crime I didn't participate in. I should be doing 5 years for my role in it, unwilling as I was, which would have been up 6 years ago. You can see why reality and me aren't on speaking terms.

I do have people who love me, and I'm blessed for that, but if I could go back I'd do a whole lot different. I guess we all would given the chance, but still, all things considered, I think I'll stick with delusional as it's probable better for my sanity! :) I do have faith in the Gods and Goddesses to deliver me through this, it's just how much of me will be left when I come through the trials of this lifetime...

I'll hold onto hope that everything will work out one way or another. Until then I guess I'll work on being happy for other peoples' happiness...

Nope, not yet...

Almost, but not quite...
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January 2013

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