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Today was a train wreck to be quite honest. It started out with me oversleeping*, which resulted in having to rush through my morning routine. Then I got a job I hate, only to find out I'm assigned to washing trays, which I asked not to be put on because the crew is lazy and I end up doing everyone else's job. 
 
Then I go back to try to get the job I want. The only hold up is I have to be a higher privilege group, which I meet due to the new rules that govern such things (a new CA law just went into effect). I only need a counselor to push it through, and with the C/O's that want me in said job, it shouldn't be a problem. But my counselor won't do it right now, for whatever reason. So no new job. That pretty much sucks ass. So I spent my morning spinning my wheels for nothing.
 
I go home to make lunch and find a mayo packet has exploded all over my lunch bag. Back outside to deliver a message to someone for a friend, only to have the person not know what he's talking about.
 
*Wheels....spinning...spinning....*
 
Back home, tired, beaten down mentally, only to find at some point I lost my new palm comb. Awesomeness. It's not that it costs a lot, because it didn't. But we can only get one every three months in a quarterly package, and I just got mine for this quarter two days ago. Absolutely awesome. And as of now, today is only 3/4th's the way done. So what fresh hell will be raining down upon me this evening? 
 
I guess that's the thrill of being alive, to see how the  universe is going to take a giant dump on you next...
 
Happy holidays, hope the Mayans are right...
 
* Inmates aren't allowed any sort of alarm clocks. When an inmate has a job that requires getting up and being ready early in the morning (like 4-5am for jobs in the kitchen to prepare breakfast), they have to basically wake themselves up on time. Adam's told me this makes him a nervous wreck and he keeps waking up during the night, afraid he's going to oversleep, which means he doesn't get much sleep and/or any restful sleep.
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So, this was written last year, while I was being housed in Southern California. I never sent it off, but I came across it recently and figured I'd sent it because it's still pretty relevant. Here goes...

Greetings to all: everyone out there across the globe, or just my mom, I'm not really sure at this point who's still reading this. I was thinking of my New Year's resolutions, and how my last eleven years have pretty much been the same. Now, understand the "apartment building" I currently reside in is a little....restrictive on...how to put this...altering one's state of mind so you can receive any message the cosmos deems you worthy of. Or you could just say getting baked off your ass and smoking cigarettes. So my resolutions have all been something accomplishable, like smoke more cigarettes and trees. Hey, what the fuck else is there to do in here?

This year I actually started making a list. Real resolutions that might not be fun and take some work...stuff I would have to follow through with and have to deal with people. And I really hate people. In my "apartment complex", people suck. The "managers" are assholes, the "tenants" are scumbag pieces of filth. This wasn't in the brochure.

So making a resolution where I had to interact MORE with people, and actually meaning to accomplish them, it surprised me to be making deeper commitments in the new year. It's probably because the world is ending in 2012. Or, it could just be the weed and I won't remember any of it in the morning. :)

Looking back, it was definitely the trees. I hate people and trying to help anyone has always led to heartache and stress.
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I finally got transferred out of the hell hole that was Corcoran, and am now a guest at Mule Creek state prison in Ione, which is only an hour south of where my family lives. I can't wait to get more regular visits from them! I just today got a "real bed" here, after spending 2 weeks "in the hole" ("Administrative Segregation") because they had transferred in 20 more inmates from other prisons than there were beds available. Already I can see the food is better here, and the atmosphere is MUCH better. And did I mention it's ONLY AN HOUR from my dear, loving mother?

As you can see, my wonderful, loving, hard-working mother also found time to set up a Dreamwidth account for me!


~Mara [mom-admin, who took much poetic license in the writing of this...but I'm sure it's what Adam himself would have said, if he had Internet access]

EDIT: We just received word yesterday (May 5th) that a bed opened up and so Adam has moved out of Ad-Seg. After 1-2 weeks of orientation he'll be allowed visits again.
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While reading Christopher Penczaks' "The Inner Temple of Witchcraft" (an excellent book on the craft), he tells a story of a student who had a difficult time with calling herself a Witch. She had a hard time connecting with it, and didn't want to "be just a Witch." Penczak goes onto say he has never felt like he is "just a Witch."

It got me thinking about when i came to the realization I was a Witch.

Growing up in a Christian society, it's hard to find yourself among people who believe a completely different way. My dad was Presbyterian, and Sunday church seemed like nonsense to me. I didn't connect with any of it.

Later, when it was just my mom and I, she always kept crystals around and seemed open to "New Age" ideas, but we never really got into philosophical debates. I developed my own belief structure, knowing the planets and the sun and the moon gave off energies, and considered them gods and goddesses.

Then I came across a Wiccan book. Here was a whole system of religion/spirituality that I actually fit into! I found a religion to come home to. Once I had that, I didn't kick down the door, I blew the whole damn broom closet up.

I knew I was a Witch and had no problem telling friends and family. Some laughed, some looked decidedly worried, and some accepted without question. Still today some people look at me like I'm crazy, some see my pentagram and think I'm Jewish.

But I've never had a problem with the "W" word. It's part of who I am, who I've always been. I am part of an ancient tradition with a modern twist.

I am a Witch.
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In the years I've been transcribing this blogs' entries for Adam, this will be only the 2nd time I've added an entry. I normally want to keep it as "pure" as possible, with only his words. OK, so I spell check and correct grammar, but that's it.

But his last two entries really hit me, on a few levels. I not only identified with what he's going through personally, but I hurt so bad for him, as a mother.

No one has hurt him, no one has done anything "to" him. It's just life. Timing. Choices made. Consequences. And life goes on...for everyone but him.

After I posted his two previous entries, I heard this song for the first time while driving home. It made me cry, for him, with him, for me, for the times I've been in this position. It just seemed to fit...and I think Adam would be OK with me posting it here. And if he's not, well...as his Editor-in-Chief I'm invoking executive privilege. :)

~Mara
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Word around the water cooler is the woman I wanted to reach out to is engaged. I kind of figured...a chick that cool doesn't stay single. I know I'm supposed to say that I'm happy for her, that it's great she found someone to spend her days with...but come on, we all know what a crock of shit that really is.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to the universe for setting her on a path that led to happiness, I'm just pissed at myself for pushing her off of the path we walked together.

"It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." My ass. What they never tell you how to deal with is when you find that someone...and you screw it up. As a witch, I guess I could get it right in the next life, but could the Goddess give me a reset on this one? I doubt I could have screwed it up much worse if I tried. Gee, this is turning into a cheery post! :)

I guess, delusional or not, I always hoped for some kind of reconnection with this person. Beyond my feelings about her, she's funny and smart, sarcastic as all hell, and truly one of the best artists I've met. I always wanted her to design some of my tattoo pieces...it's hard to let go of that hope. But very few women want to be friends with an ex, and I can see the reality of that, but my reality sucks balls.

In reality, I won't be anything but an absentee dad to my son, I'll be apart from my family, hell...I'll probably die in prison for a crime I didn't participate in. I should be doing 5 years for my role in it, unwilling as I was, which would have been up 6 years ago. You can see why reality and me aren't on speaking terms.

I do have people who love me, and I'm blessed for that, but if I could go back I'd do a whole lot different. I guess we all would given the chance, but still, all things considered, I think I'll stick with delusional as it's probable better for my sanity! :) I do have faith in the Gods and Goddesses to deliver me through this, it's just how much of me will be left when I come through the trials of this lifetime...

I'll hold onto hope that everything will work out one way or another. Until then I guess I'll work on being happy for other peoples' happiness...
...
...
...

Nope, not yet...
...
...
...

Almost, but not quite...
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So, in the infinite cyber-universe, I found the path to someone I thought lost to me. How I found this path is an ironic tale, but that will be told another time. Maybe. Anyway, as you can guess, this is someone I care for a great deal, and as these things usually go, this person used to care for me. What to do next...

The rational thing would be to think fond thoughts, reminisce about the good times and move on, leaving no trace I was ever there. The fool thing to do would be to leave a message, ANY message, and let it be known I was there (well, sort of "there." Regular followers of this page will understand).

But none of that will do for the Delusional Romantic, oh no. I must scour song lyrics, every poem ever written, every movie line looking for THE perfect line that shows this someone how deeply I still feel for her, even after all this time. I'm thinking Shakespeare, by the way...you can't go wrong with Shakespeare. Of course the line, whatever I chose, will be completely inadequate, probably met with scorn and ridicule, if not downright hostility. To say I screwed up the relationship would be a vast understatement.

And it really was all my fault.

I let fears and people manipulate me into bad decisions, but it was my fault not to see through the manipulations. It was my fault that I let the fears of what might happen ruin the greatness that was happening. And it was greatness. So much greatness I still don't know how it happened to me in the first place. Nights so fun they explain the evolutionary purpose of talking. Needless to say...I fucked up.

And I owe her more than I can say for those times. Just the slight thought of reconnecting, delusions of grandeur or not, sparked a rush deep inside me. Just the memory of the love I hold for this someone, it can only be described as true, pure magick. It's a magick so strong the only I've felt something close was in a circle calling down the God and Goddess, touching divinity. Fellow witches will understand.

It was a wake-up call on how disconnected I've become with the spiritual, both in practice and in studies. Even after all the time apart, this someone is still influencing me for the better, to BE better.

So, I'll send the cheesy line, I'll continue the delusion of reconnecting, of dreaming of letters, of getting called for a visit and seeing those hazel-green eyes that send lightning from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

Because that's who I am: the Delusional Romantic, dreaming my delusions of grandeur, just hoping to talk with that someone, to be able to tell a woman named Christina, "Hello again."
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So, I left my old place of residence, which at the time was just coming off a lockdown program. I packed up my stuff and moved here (you know how that went for me) and got here to my new residence, only to be placed on what is called orientation status. Basically I'm confined to my cell until I get cleared by the committee which makes sure I'm OK to be here, I don't have any enemies here, etc. That could last from a week to a month, depending on how long they take to get to you.

We spend a lot of time in the cell, which is way smaller than my last place. But I got lucky and after 8 days I got off orientation on Tuesday the 10th. I was cleared to go to dayroom, the yard, and programs. Wednesday rolls around and I get up and wait to go to breakfast. Here we have to walk to the chow hall, another annoyance. My last place brought us the food to our cells.

As I wait it gets later and later, and come to find out there was a stabbing in the chow hall before we were released....so we're on lockdown. I left a lockdown to be put on orientation, to get off of orientation to be put on lockdown the next morning. I swear, I can't win for losing.
But I will say there seem to be some Wiccan staff here, which is a plus.

There are two institutional movie channels and we get two movies a week that play on a rotating loop. The week I got here we had the same two movies I saw the week before at my old place, so that sucked. But this week we had "Red", a decent action movie with Bruce Willis, and it was funnier than I thought it would be. Then there is my new obsession movie, "The Romantics", with Katie Holmes and Josh Duhamel. I can't stop watching it! The dialog, the music, it's a great movie. It's one of the best movies artistically I've seen in years; the main drama between Josh Duhamel and Katie Holmes is spectacular. I had to write down half the movie lines so I wouldn't forget them. The back and forth mixed in with classical poetry...I mean you don't get lines like

"Forlorn, the very word is like a bell tolling me back from there to my soul self. Adieu. The fancy cannot chat so well as she is famed to do, deceiving Elf. Adieu, adieu.

The plaintiff anthem fades past the near meadows over the still stream up the hillside and now 'tis buried deep in the next valley glades. Was it a vision or a waking dream? Fled is that music, do I wake or do I sleep?"


Mixed in with other lines like "Nights so fun they explain the evolutionary purpose of talking" delivered by Katie Holmes perfectly. If you haven't seen it, definitely worth a watch.
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My latest misadventures all started the night of the royal wedding. Having been too young to watch Diana's wedding, I wanted to catch this one. I knew I couldn't stay up, so I went to sleep around 11, and left it up to my internal clock to work. At 3am, for whatever reason, I woke up.

Now I'm on the west coast (for those who don't know), so Kate was still in the car, nobody had seen the dress, so I caught it at the right time. I watched the wedding (very old-testament, wasn't it) and ended up catching maybe an hour of sleep before breakfast. As you can imagine I was exhausted , then my door opens and I have to go to R&R (Receiving and Release) to inventory and pack my stuff for transferring (to Corcoran). I was not looking forward to this process.

I go up, pack all my worldly possessions into the 3 designated boxes (that's all you're allowed) and sent what wouldn't fit into those boxes home. Now because I packed on a Friday, and I left on a Monday, I spent the whole weekend stressing out. What kind of program are they going to have, what people will be there, what property will I lose, etc.

I couldn't sleep Sunday, so I stayed up all night. I left my cell around 4aam, sat in a holding tank until 6am, then took a 30 minute ride to my new prison. I sat in another holding tank until 1pm, when I finally got my property. Come to find out that after we inventoried and packed all my property the officers went back into my stuff and stole a bunch of my property.

They took my coffee mug, my books of stamps, almost $1,000 worth of "Rifts" (Role-playing books), personal letters, books, all kinds of stuff. No sheet saying why they took it....they just stole my stuff. On top of that, after they stole my stuff, they made a new inventory sheet, one I didn't sign like the procedure says, so it looked like all my stuff was there! They forged the paperwork and robbed me...and *I'm* considered the criminal!

Then I got here (in Corcoran). They took my gaming dice, scratched my TV, took a bunch more stuff (including incense used for religious ceremonies), and basically threw a fit I had hid incense in my property. So they took a bunch more of my stuff.

Now I sit, in a more screwed up place than I left, with most of my stuff stolen or confiscated. This sucks ass! It took years to build my book collection, now I have to start over. CDCr is nothing but organized crime.

So that was my royal wedding experience. The wedding was cool, the rest, not so much...
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[Note from mom] He hasn't smiled in a photo since he was 7 years old...
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We have a correctional officer who works in my block, his name is Agu. He speaks with a very heavy accent, I believe Nigerian, but I could be wrong. Anyway, this guy is a cartoon character straight out of Bugs Bunny. The stuff he does would be funny if it wasn't screwing inmates over.

The story starts way back in January, when two inmates moved into the block (there are eight blocks on the yard). Their names are McCurry and Harden. Now these guys weren't perfect by any means, but neither were they the biggest screw-ups ever, either. Just two guys trying to get through their time. Agu had gotten into an argument with these two months prior when he worked overtime in another block, so Agu was less than pleased when these two moved in.

Agu holds grudges. Agu tried to move the inmates out, but had no cause to do so, so they stayed. Shortly after they moved into six block (my block) , Harden hurt his back while in a vocational program. This prison constantly screwed up his medical treatment. He got an X-ray which showed spinal curvature and a disc out of place. He was sent to an outside hospital for an MRI, but the orders said "X-ray", so he only got another X-ray, which had already been done at the prison.

They screwed with his medication, everything that could be done wrong was. It got to the point where Harden could barely walk, still medical did nothing. On February 10th Harden tried to request to see medical because his pain was so severe, and he'd been told the day before that he would be seen. He was left in the dayroom with no help and collapsed on the floor.

We called a "man down" from our cells, a phrase that is supposed to alert the officers to a medical problem. They're supposed to hit the alarm and emergency response is supposed to come. In this case Agu and his partner Tremble looked in and told the control cop to let the next shift deal with it.

Harden was left on the floor for 4-1/2 hours, until medical came to pass out afternoon medication. The person passing out meds, who wasn't a registered nurse, said "He's faking" and left him there while custody staff laughed and made jokes. Two inmates carried Harden back to his cell rather than leave him on the floor.

Read more... )
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Well, it's been awhile since I've updated this site. A lot has been going on with my "apartment complex" as I like to call it, more on that later. I've written a thousand entries to this page in my head, much the same way my mom writes letters to me in her head. The problem with that is I only get half her letters that way.

To start, I wanted to use this page as a creative outlet, to maybe meet like-minded people to correspond with, to share thoughts and feelings with the outside world. I was going to leave out stories of my incarceration and when I started this I wasn't even sure I was going to mention I was locked up. I'm reduced to "inmate" enough as it is, I wanted a place to feel normal.

I didn't, and I still don't, want to use this page as a soapbox and tell all the woes of prison life. That being said, I realized it was all but impossible for all of you to know, most (if not all) read my mom's page, and as my situation is a huge part of her life, I know it's something she talks about. And since it's my daily life it's something I'll talk about from time to time because some of the crazy shit that goes on in here just has to be shared. More on that later...

We have an institutional TV channel where we get semi-recent movies, pretty much as soon as they come out on DVD we get them. One of the recent movies was "500 Days of Summer." Now I'm a sucker for a good romantic comedy, "Nick and Nora's Ultimate Playlist" was one of my favorite flicks in this genre. But rarely has a movie ripped at an emotional scab as "500 Days of Summer." Down to the author's notes in the beginning credits, except I would substitute the name of Christina Jensen.

Everything the lead character went through from being ecstatically happy to breaking dishes and buying Twinkies and Jack Daniels in a bath robe, emotionally I was right there with him. At the end I have to wonder how many Autumns I had overlooked, and is it too late to find her? I hope not, my family is great but the rest of my life without love is not a prospect I look forward to. A sentiment I'm sure many people can relate to.

All in all, "500 Days of Summer" is worth seeing, by the way...

** Adam wrote this in July, and sent it to me a week or so before I moved. It's taken until now for me to get to a place - both physically and emotionally - that I could write this out for him. What he wrote struck an emotional cord with me as well, since I know a thing or two about Jack Daniels and Twinkies...
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He asked me to tell everyone "Hi", and that he's wanted to update his LJ for a while now, but doesn't know what to write. And then he asked how I knew if anyone was reading his LJ, and I explained the "friending" aspect. It's weird to explain things like that to someone who's never seen social media firsthand.

Samhain

Nov. 1st, 2008 12:32 am
paganiwitch: (Default)
If Adam were able, I'm sure he'd tell all who it applies to Happy New Year.
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So to start this entry, I pose a question the the people of the net. The question is this, "What's the most jacked-up way you have found out someone close to you has died?"

I ask this most unusual question because yesterday I found out my dad died, and I found out in a very crappy way. So I figured I'd ask for other people's experiences to get some perspective. Right now I can't think of a worse way to find out that news, but it's because my grief is too fresh.

I'm sure by now you're wondering how I was notified. Was it institutional staff? Nope. Did I see it on the news? Nope. I sent him a Christmas card.

I can see you're all scratching your heads in confusion )
paganiwitch: (Default)
I just wanted to tell everyone who commented on my page so far Hello, and thanks for the kind words.Kahat, Star and Kevin, it's nice to meet you. It takes a while for me to get comments and respond to them, but I will answer them as quickly as I can.

So, as most of you know, I have a son, Aaron Jacob. All who read Mara's LJ are quite familiar with this little character. He is an exceptional person, with exceptional abilities. He has an old soul, and he's my little witch.

I bring this up because my mom made the long trek down here with the little guy. One of the hardest things about being where I am is being away from Aaron. In the beginning I was housed right by my family, and saw them every weekend. Then the powers that be moved me down into the wasteland of California. Now I'm about 5-1/2 hours away. Needless to say it was a difficult time for all involved, and to make matters worse my wife decided a normal life with a good job wasn't fun, so she ran off with a scumbag and got hooked on drugs. But I could go on about that all night, besides I'm sure most already know this.

So this last weekend I got to see the little guy, which was great. He went on for hours about Pokemon, and I mean HOURS. He knows every one of them, I had to tell him "There is more to life than Pokemon....there's Star Wars!" That's why I'm here, for those pearls of fatherly wisdom.

At one point he told me "I want to be just like you, except for the going to prison thing." It was cute and funny, all at the same time. It warmed my heart to get to see him for two days, even if I did have to take a crash course in Pokemon.



This was originally written by Adam in Feb. 2008...not long after my dad / his grandfather died, and maybe days before he found out his own dad / my ex husband) died. It was a difficult and emotional time for both of us, in addition to my dealing with some serious issues of my own. Somehow I missed updating Adam's journal with this entry, along with the two eulogies he wrote for his dad and his grandpa. Those I purposely drug my feet on...just because what he wrote hurt too much (maybe you'll see why). It's taken me until now to enter them into his journal.

Reminder

Feb. 12th, 2008 11:18 am
paganiwitch: (Default)
For anyone who may have missed this post, last chance to introduce yourself to Adam before I print and send it to him. Comments are screened unless specifically specified otherwise.

And today's his birthday.
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I was explaining to Adam that normally on LJ you add friends, and get to know people, by reading their user info page, reading their journal, and their comments they leave in your journal. Do to the logistics of the long-distance journal, the first 2 aren't possible for Adam. So I had an idea.

If you guys would be so kind, please leave a comment introducing yourself, whatever you'd like Adam to know about yourself. I'm screening all comments, and will only unscreen them if you specifically say it's OK. Afterwards I'm print this entry and comments, and send to him.
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Friday, Dec. 28, 2007

It started with me going back to bed after breakfast. As I was trying to go back to sleep, but still awake with my eyes shut, I saw two bright lights. They grew so intense that I had to look at my door to see if someone was shining a light on me. There was no one there.

As I drifted off into a semi-sleep state, these lights turned into two suns, very bright. Clouds formed in the sky. As I was looking at a blue sky, two suns and clouds, I had a bow and arrow in my hands with the arrow notched, pointed towards the ground.

As I looked at one of the clouds, two puffs of clouds broke off and started across the sky. These turned into Apollo on his carriage and Diana running next to him, which is unusual to me because in the Craft I come across references to Diana a lot, but I don't usually call upon her in ritual, and I've never felt a connection to Apollo.

Anyway, as I stood there watching the god and goddess race across the sky, I wanted to get their attention. I thought of firing the arrow I had notched into the sky, but I thought if it hit either of them it wouldn't hurt them but it would probably piss them off pretty good.

As I was pondering this our dumbass control officer pushed the wrong button and opened my door, waking me up and ruining the dream state. It was cool imagery, and a cool over-all dream, and I thought I'd share it.

Also I wanted to pass on a message to all those people who took the time out of their busy holiday coming and goings to send me their best wishes. Thank you all for thinking of me, it touched me to know little old me was in so many thoughts and prayers, especially from people I've never talked to or met.

To answer a common concern (and rightly so), I will never write back to anyone unless that person states clearly that it is OK to do so. I'm very careful with addresses, and if someone does not wish for me to write back, I destroy that address right away.

I am happy to write back, although my spelling SUCKS, and my handwriting isn't the best. I also understand that many people can be standoffish (if that's even a word lol) because of my situation. It's a lot to deal with, especially in the beginning. Anyway, thank you everyone for keeping me in your thoughts.
paganiwitch: (Default)
written Dec 4, 2007, and the reason I (Adam's mom) thought of the idea for him to have his own LJ.

This morning I was trying to get back to sleep, there were no outside activities planned, and I had nothing better to do. I was having problems falling asleep, I was tired but things kept running through my head. As many may know, there's a rift in my family that pulls me in two directions at once, and I'm in a legal battle with my ex-wife's family that may decide how often I get to see my son.

Other family members see it differently, but my story, my point of view. :p

Anyway, I was overloading on stress, when a "presence" entered my thoughts. A lot of my "woo-woo" experiences happen with me looking down at myself in my mind's eye. I saw a woman nuzzle my right cheek.

The woman seemed familiar, but I don't think we've met in this plane. I have a feeling I know who it is, and my mom at this point will think I'm crazy (no, she doesn't) and anyone who knows about her experiences that's saying a lot. But since I trust my feeling, and we make our own reality, I say I know (who it is), but that may be wishful thinking.

This simple nuzzle cleared my mind completely, and shortly after I was fast asleep. So, if the woman responsible for calming my mind happens to read this (as I suspect and hope she will), thanks for the woo-woo.

Also she has the cutest face I've ever seen.:)

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